I received a terse e-mail from a (straight) friend tonight who said he no longer wanted to see me because of something I said. He said I'd crossed a line.
Trouble is, I have no idea what I said or what line I crossed. I've reviewed my last e-mail and can't find anything amiss. And, of course, I don't have face-to-face time with him to actually have a conversation about this, just a hit-and-run, "I'm done, buh-bye" e-mail. I immediately e-mailed back (it's late and he's asleep already) and said that for whatever I'd done or said, please forgive, and at least tell me what it was.
It makes me feel bad that I've said or done something to bring someone else pain, and at the same time, if he can't be bothered to act like an adult and actually talk to me, perhaps it was for the best anyway.
I agonized for a few minutes, was sad, then just thought, "ya know? If something this small can set him off like this, I don't need that kind of acquaintance." And put it out of my mind. We're not good friends, but we do have excellent conversation. He makes me think a lot, and I think I make him think, too.
Maybe this makes a big space for someone else who's really, really amazing to show up in my life!
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5 comments:
I've had some experiences with this, both obtuse & direct. One "friend" I had in high school said directly, "Well, you can't be that & be my friend" when I admitted I was gay. (Sometimes them telling you "why" isn't much better than not knowing.)
I'd go with your intuition. I agree that if something upsets someone & they end a friendship over it, without explaining why, it probably wasn't the friendship you thought it was. Just like me & my ex-high school chum. It hurt for a while, but I also knew that I was always going to "be that", so unless I wanted to pretend otherwise, it pretty much was pointless to continue.
And you're right. This could be making a big space for someone who's really, really amazing to show up in your life. You'll know them because they'll find you really, really amazing.
OneTree
I agree; I did some work with this in my morning journaling, and came to the same conclusion. Sure, I may have said something off-base. But unless he chooses to share that with me, I have no way of self-correcting, assuming that I would need to :-)
I also have to remember that this person is moving to another town to get away from a girl he briefly dated and who lives across the street from him because he's too uncomfortable and can't find it within himself to communicate easily or meaningfully with this person.
You find whatever it is that you're looking for, and it seems to me that he may have really been looking for slights or excuses to barricade himself within himself again. I am certainly fine with whatever decision he chooses to make here. After all, they're his decisions.
So, this time I only spent a few hours feeling bad and icky until I used my head to analyze the situation and see it from a more rational perspective. That's progress in my book :-)
Progress indeed! It's wonderful to learn to transmute things that, before having that gift, might trouble you for days.
I finished my movie editing & am tickled with how it turned out. Earl is still on the nursing home waiting list, so I suppose it is a waiting game now. Believe me, the transmuting skills come in handy to getting back to what is & who you really are. I can't even imagine handling this without all the tools I've learned over the years!
OneTree
I concur with you, but still there is sadness with the anger.
When no chance for clarifying, correction, or forgiveness is given, one isn't left with much choice. Sad.
Way closes, way opens.
pish posh to him
if he can't tell you how he is upset or how to process it then it isn't fair - and not worth pursuing.
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