Interconnections

My partner performed an Illumination on me last night.  I have been having an issue - a set of issues, really - come up for me lately again and again, and the Illumination process is a beautiful way to release that kind of issue. 

The big thing that I wanted to address and release was abandonment, but as the session progressed and we got deeper into it, I was surprised that there was also a thread of betrayal to be found as well.  The energies of people suddenly separating from me (and me separating from them) have turned out to be a bit traumatic and lasting. 

Illumination is the process of releasing imprints of traumatic events from one's Luminous Energy Field, and it is a gentle, deep and powerful technique which leaves the receiver feeling cleansed, calm, 'light' and somehow larger inside when all is said and done.  Issues addressed in an Illumination are well and truly gone afterward, completely erased from one's energy field.  Having removed the energetic imprint, the behaviors and recurring thoughts do not recur.  I've received several and have given many, many of these sessions in the last year and a quarter.  I am still amazed at what happens during an Illumination session, and am astonished at how I feel today and at how I felt last night when we had just finished.  A great weight is lifted from me.

What uncovered this and touched this old wound for me was a 'simple' misunderstanding with a friend.  During a recent conversation her internal script kicked in and activated an old, unhealed wound of hers.  She has subsequently pulled back from our friendship in an abrupt, one-sided manner despite my exhortations that what she was 'hearing' through the filter of this ancient wound from her mamma (she freely admitted this) was decidedly different than what I had actually said.  Her wound activated so strongly in her that she literally didn't hear the words I actually said, she heard the echo of what her mother said and how she still feels about it.  Even though I've always known that this particular person wears her woundedness on her sleeve, I expected deeper insights from someone who used to have a private psychotherapy practice and I certainly never expected her to wield her wound like a club against me.

Alas.  Chalk one up for experience.

As the Illumination got underway, I began to see the threads that connected all of these issues in my own life, starting with separation anxiety when I was five years old and had to have a tonsillectomy.  Mixed in were separations from friends when I've moved over the years, and the lasting stings of things said and done that put distanced between us, another form of being abandoned. 

But my biggest 'aha!' was discovering the ways in which I had abandoned myself in all of this.  Discovering that I have always been there for myself and that I have strengths that I couldn't necessarily see before through the obscuring fog of my own wounds is a great comfort. 

I'm still mulling over the actions and interactions with my friend that led me to uncover the need for this particular Illumination session.  Caroline Myss talks about this "wielding one's wounds like a club" phenomenon in her book, "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can".  To the wounded person, one's wounds justify all manner of ugly behavior toward others and the world.  If you don't talk on the level of their woundedness or in her words, "talk wounds" with them, they can respond by feeling abandoned and betrayed by you.   

This certainly happened to me in this situation, and during last night's session I could see in great clarity the times in which I've wielded my own woundedness against others, too.  Not pretty, but I did it.  And really, those  are the times when I abandoned myself and withdrew from loving friends, cutting myself off from their love and affection. 

My beautiful, wise husband tells me repeatedly and gently that when one gains the tools to heal one's woundedness, it is irresponsible to do anything but heal them.   Acting in the old ways and reverting to wounded behaviors doesn't cut it anymore; one now has the ethical imperative to use those tools, however personally distasteful and painful the process might be, to heal one's self. 

The good news is that healing the self helps heal the world; my efforts at looking at and owning and healing my own personal woundedness heals others around me.  Actually, it helps all the beings in all the worlds :-)