Shadow

I'm here in the Land of Cleve working with my favorite Baroque Orchestra and group of singers. 

And wrangling a bit with my shadow. 

Not so much wrangling as merely being amused and watching it squirm a bit, as the things it used to do to get my attention don't work much anymore. 


Example:  We're doing a musical work I absolutely adore, and one I did very young when I didn't have much Italian vocal ornamentation technique under my belt.  Now that I can actually do all this flashy stuff, I'm not one of the ones who even has a small solo part :-)  I had hoped for third tenor in the big number, but wasn't considered.  Usually this would throw me for a loop.  Now, I'm having fun listening to great tenors and anticipating having to work a lot less hard and have a fabulous experience.


Yesterday I found myself drifting back to the old familiar thought patterns I sometimes have when I'm with this group - 'I'll never be a soloist!'  'I'm no good!'  'But I'm just as good as that!', etc., etc.  All the old familiar but-they're-all-professionals-and-I'm-not / I-shouldn't-even-be-here-playing-hardball-with-the-big-boys / what-would-they-think-if-they-found-me-out bullshit.

And the funny thing is:  these thoughts could get no purchase.  It's like the hooks that used to be there are simply gone.


I found myself simply saying to myself, "Dude; you're 48 years old, you don't have a music degree and besides, this isn't your main gig anymore.  Yes, you love it, but you're not trying to carve out a career in this field.  What's the big deal?  You're here, you're having fun, you're singing well!  Enjoy :-)"

And it was all fine after that.  I just got tired of playing the game with myself, I think.  Plus the fact that I've just done a major 4-day weekend's worth of shamanic work to purge and integrate exactly this portion of myself, and have initiated even more shadow work while I'm here (khuyas cooking in a mandala outside as I write). 

It's so much more fun (and easier!) to be here and present and not have all of that shadow energy dragging me back down.  I like having all of my energies on board with me, and devoted to the task at hand rather than having at least half myself pulling me apart and casting doubts.   Thank Dog.  I thought I'd never make it to this point in life. 


And now that I've had a wee little taste of what it's like to have all your power available to you, I'm so ready to do more, to embrace and integrate every last bit of shadow that I can muster up!  Yes it's hard work, and yes, it's embarrassing and a little on the dreadful side at times, BUT ... the end result is so amazingly good.