Dear man,
I confess that little me is slowly going crazy with the waiting. I think of you pretty much constantly; sometimes I think I can actually feel you thinking and smiling back at me. I'm climbing the walls. It's interesting, really if I look at it all dispassionately. I know that I can't speed up the wait :-), and yet. All this squirming and sighing throws me back at myself and forces me to look at what I'm actually squirming about. Could it be that I really, truly don't believe what I say about time being mere illusion? If I did, I'd be at ease and content in every moment. Since I'm not, then something must be amiss, out of synch at a deep level within myself. What is it, and why?
On a simple physical level, I just want to relax into someone's arms and let go of care for a short while and just drift in sweet softness. I got to do that last night for the first time in a very, very long time (though not with the wright man;-) and it ended up bringing the contrast to the fore and making me yearn for it all the more. Cuddling, holding, feeling skin and feeling someone breathe with me, legs intertwined is something I love very much.
So today I'm irritable, a little sleep-deprived, and agitatedly aware that this means I've got more work to do, some lesson that's right there that I'm not seeing clearly yet that I need to grok completely and deeply. Meantime, I'm, well, irritable, sleep-deprived and agitated :-) And back at square one, staring at the puzzle that is within myself, that is myself, the last test that blocks my exit from the maze and once again not yet, not quite finding the answer. And knowing that having you in my arms wouldn't solve it, that I must solve it before I ever do have you in my arms. That I must be able to come to the point of having you while fully wanting you, desiring you, delighting in you, adoring you, yet without needing you.
Perhaps I just answered my own question and solved my riddle :-D
The shred of me that thinks it "needs", "must have", "can't do without" is my last stumbling block, the filmy yet utterly immovable barrier I've placed between me and my own freedom. "Love" and "Must-Have" have been inextricable woven in me from a very early age. I know and I see now how this time of being single has been teaching me, slowly untangling that knot, teasing apart that relationship.
Can I love without needing? With these two things still so closely attached in my mind, I can't quite yet imagine one without the other. Can I actually grow to the point of not "de-pending" (hang from, be suspended, be resultant or contingent upon) another human? On all other external things: beauty? Income? The myth of "security"? I think I've always had a deep abiding belief that I can't make it on my own, that I'm not ready, that I'm not equipped, I'm not good enough, that I'm somehow not complete nor competent for the job. And having written that word, I see. Belief is not necessarily reality.
Clearly this is the next big lesson and gift to be savored, swallowed and digested.
Whew. It's a good thing it wasn't anything hard. ;-) Sooner begun, sooner done (he says, getting to work immediately :-).
Love,
Raybob
6 comments:
that was quite an essay.
I hope that 'needing a relationship' means a supplemental matter - two wholes coming together, but prior, both were whole to start.
There was not 'need to be filled to become whole'
Oh GAWD it pains me to reference Augustine, but ya know the lines
We are born with an emptiness,
no thing can fill it,
no thing can ease the ache,
It is a space for the Holy ...
When we learn to see, we recognize, that it is "God-Shaped"
You share such wonderful thoughts on your blog. I'm anxious and yet afraid to meet you someday. That would make me admit to my own lessons that need learned. You are on a good track my friend, your recognition of what you need is right on. Should you have the tremendous strength to grow there, that is admirable. Not all of us can see with such clarity. You are following your heart. Sigh. If more of us could do that without fear, the world would be better place...... Meredith in Bham.
Singularity and companionship,
hope and desire,
needing and wanting,
individuality and community.
I struggle with being an individual, but in rleationship to others. Community is not such an option, really. Seeking to be that self-differentiated soul in the midst of the force-field of relationship. To be with another and not to lose myself. Ugh. What a journey, though. Indeed.
I love you, man, and you are in my prayers.
Meredith, the lessons are the splinters we see (at last!) clearly in ourselves through the mirrors of others who show them to us. Maybe a little painful when you pry and dig them out, but ultimately so much more comfortable :-)
Can I love without needing?
.. its the ONLY way TO love.
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