I'm back in the "civilized" world, though I now I'm really thinking deeply about the definition of that word. Life during the Intensive was, in many ways, far more civilized than many of my days elsewhere and elsewhen.
For the next two days I'm decompressing with a singing friend in Delaware, OH, his wife and their two adorable three year old twin boys.
And Life Is Good.
.
4 comments:
Can one decompress with three year olds? boys? and twins?
I look forward to what gifts you will offer.
Welcome Back. Tried to direct email you, but it bounced back... here's what I wanted to tell you has been going on in my life.
Hello friend of soul,
My sweet Earl died Friday. I'd been in the hospital with him since last Sunday, where he was taken by ambulance from the nursing home just as hurricane Ike blew through Owensboro, downing trees & power lines. It seemed as I drove to the hospital, being chased by 100 foot dust devils in the fields along side the road, that Earl was throwing a tantrum... going out in a big way. But he gave myself & his daughters a grace period... some days to be with him, hold his hand, tell him how much we love him. It was a combination of things; pneumonia, strokes, congestive heart failure. I was alone with him Sunday night & didn't think he was going to make it. No one else could be there because of the storm, so I pulled a fold out bed next to his, had a priest come in & say last rites, held him, stroked his face, comforted him, told him it was okay if he was ready to go.
But he wasn't ready yet. He came out of the coma like state from that first stroke he had at the hospital. Was eating again, talking a bit, laughing here & there. Up until Wednesday, when he had the second stroke he didn't come back out of. From Wednesday at lunch time, he stopped eating or drinking, stopped even needing morphine... just sleeping soundly, even snoring, which, after the struggle for breath he'd been having due to the pneumonia, was a blessing. On Thursday he was moved back to the nursing home & seemed to be staying in that sleeping state. I had to get back to TN to handle some work, but was coming back in Friday night. I got the call that he was dying around 12:30 & an hour later he was gone.
This weekend has been a blur of funeral arrangements, with the funeral today. It felt so strange, so jarring, so wrong to be leaving him in that casket on the hill, riding away in the family car with his two daughters.
Right now, my friend, the void is heartbreakingly huge. This man has been a fixture in my life for 26 years. I discovered this weekend, while gathering photos for the "slide show" at the visitation, that Earl & his wife were married 26 years before she died. He & I were together 26 years before Earl died. His wife's spirit appeared to me 26 years ago the night of her funeral, standing at the end of my bed, pointing at me as if to say "Okay, it's you're turn." Scared the crap out of me, to be honest. But now it's as if she said, "I'll share, but you're not getting any more years with him than I did." Especially in these last few years, when his care & finances required almost constant attention from me, where every visit I had with him on weekends I did my best to make special & full... without that, for the moment, I'm not sure who the hell I am. I know I'll figure it out eventually.
Ruth, his caregiver who loved him the most also wanted to be with him when he died, but also wasn't there. She was in Louisville visiting her parents, thinking, as I did, that Earl was stable enough. Earl would often tease Ruth about her easy tears, calling her a "cry baby". When I called her to tell her Earl had died, I told her, "I guess he didn't want us two crybabies there." Ruth took the last photo of Earl, the night he spent in the hospital before going into the nursing home. It was on her cell phone & she showed it to me... & then we both realized the date was 8/19/08... one month to the day of Earl's death. It's been a struggle to not feel like I killed this man I loved. I was the one who chose the nursing home & there really was no other choice at that point... but it still feels like I'm responsible, even though Earl's daughters & everyone else has told me I am not.
I'm just going to so miss him, Jeffrey. This has been the most difficult week of my life, but it has also been a tremendous gift. I thought I knew what love was. Now I know what I thought I knew was just the stepping off point. Earl's already sending me signs so I know that he's okay. His daughters too are telling me some they've received. Even Ruth is getting them. My problem isn't worrying if he's all right... it's whether I will be without him. Eventually... eventually. Right now the void is too big.
Love you my friend.
OneTree
i am very glad you are back, and you sound changed/well.
OMG I met the perfect guy for you in the hot tub on the cruise ship! Nipple pierced (and of course I thought about your painful piercing in your very own nether regions), really big guy, in a happy relationship but they are also polyamorous. I told him all about you.
Unfortunately, he lives in Ft. Lauderdale.
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