Lack and Loss

Recently I've been to two shamanic workshops on two weekends, had a fantastic Science of Mind Class, the Oneness Blessing (deeksha), had shamanic healing work done on me yesterday and participated in two amazing shamanic healing journeys for others last night, all in the space of about 12 days. I've been totally immersed in the energies lately.

Right in the midst of all of this and in my abandonment panic a few days ago when I hadn't heard from the green-eyed lad in over a week, I had the most wonderful journey. In it I asked my allies about the lad, about why he hadn't called, hadn't returned text messages (his favorite), and why the general, well, nothing.

My answer came in the form of a vision, of seeing the Earth from the moon's vantage point. Then of seeing the galaxy from out in space, then of seeing untold millions of galaxies all together like grains of sand. As I was rushed back here seeing my point of view expand from the googleplex macro view to the regular old day-to-day view I heard, "There is no separation. What you perceive as 'separate' is but the whisker of a whisker of a whisker; nothing. All is with you."

And when he called yesterday wanting my company last night, I was joyed. Had an amazing sweet night like none I've spent (he allows me to feel most myself; it's easier being with him than without him), he said he was going away again to Wisconsin to visit relatives. To which I sort of smiled, knowing it was kind of an abandonment test for me. (This boy travels more than I do, and that's saying something). This morning as I was taking my leave and getting ready to head to the coffee shop en route from his house to mine, I said, "come back to me soon". And he just smiled and put his hand over my heart and said, "I'm always here". Which gave me great comfort and also made me tear up a little, too. Smart boy, this lad.

Tonight in class I had the thought: There is no loss in Infinite Mind; it doesn't even know the concept of lack. Everything that has ever left my hand has been replaced by something more, something better. Every opportunity completed has opened the way for more amazing ones. All really is here.

I've been trying to shift my thoughts away from the negative and onto the positive for a long while now, and so I'm more and more conscious of what I'm thinking underneath my surface thoughts. This morning I also told him to have a lot of fun seeing the boys that he's going to see along his trips and to get in a lot of really good fucking, but tonight I realized that what I was really thinking underneath was, "be sure and see during your travels that I'm better than anyone out there that you can find. Come back and make a commitment to me. I want you to be mine." Even though I was saying all the right words, I really don't want him to go. My feelings don't match up with what I'm saying, even though I'm trying to convince myself I'm saying the "right" things. He is an amazing guy; he makes me feel completely relaxed, just like myself.

Tonight when I realized the dichotomy of these thoughts and the words I said around them, I suddenly saw the huge gift that this situation is presenting me with: a chance to really get to the bottom of aligning my feelings with my thoughts, to really know what's inside this bodymind so that I can get on with lining myself up and really get down to doing some magic! Esoteric "magic", manifestation, ritual, spells, prayer, etc., are all predicated on the kernel of what's found in Matthew 9:29 - "be it done to you according to your belief". I do believe that, I have a deep knowing that this is true. And I also have a deep knowing that my deep conviction doesn't yet really line up. Up until today it had been getting there, but not quite. I think this was the final key to getting my inner self aligned with my other selves :-)

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I've just spent time hellaciously googling trying to find validation for the images I saw in my healing journeys last night. Once again I'm amazed that the information that comes through could indeed be true. We journeyed for a man who is having headaches and seizures of unknown origin; I was given the image of a dead spider and some words to go along with it which I'll not disclose. Upon coming out of the journey I thought of the arachnoid tissues in the brain. Turns out that an arachnoid cyst can cause this exact condition. Had I ever heard of that before last night? No. Coincidence? I'm beginning to absolutely doubt it. And is that actually what is wrong with this person whom I've never even met? I have no idea. But if I find out, I'll certainly let you know. I could be totally, absolutely wrong.

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